


Finding You Again

by ourvelvetscars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A LOT of Angst, A lot of pain, Amnesiac Dean Winchester, Angst, Cas is suffering, Deancas angst, Everyone pray for Sam, Inspired by The Originals, Inspired by The Originals (TV), M/M, Magic, Mayhem, Memories, Sam trying to keep life together, TO s4/s5, The Originals - Freeform, This is NOT a direct crossover!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23510887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourvelvetscars/pseuds/ourvelvetscars
Summary: Inspired by the originals s4/s5, this quarantined writer brings you a heartbreaking story about Dean Winchester and Castiel who are forced to go their separate ways to keep each other safe from the magic that's rooted deep inside Castiel. And on top of that, Dean doesn't remember Castiel. Will these two idiots (including incredibly supportive Sam, of course), find a way to destroy the magic that could possibly be killing the angel, and will Dean be able to recover his memories?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 23





	1. I want to remember

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's inspired by the originals s4/s5 so if you don't watch the show you might be a tad bit confused. I'll try my best to explain it tho! It's been on my mind for a while now :)  
> I imagine this story fits into the beginning of season 11 of supernatural except there is no amara storyline after they remove the mark of cain off dean, cas is not going crazy from a spell, and rowena and sam are closer. The timeline doesn't matter much actually anyways enjoy!  
> -nethmi

_Dean couldn't hear the voices clearly, everything was muffled and his body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder._

_"Cas, this is for the best," Sam said sternly._

_"I know, but… he will be mad when he remembers," Castiel hesitated, fiddling with his fingers. He looked exhausted._

_"He'll remember when he has to. But for now, we keep this a secret," Sam said._

_"Aye, you boys are insane but I am known to keep a secret," a thick Scottish accent chirped._

_"Alright, it's settled then."_

* * *

Dean wandered to the motel front desk, pulling out his wallet. There was a man, messy black hair and a beige trenchcoat, standing beside him. Dean looked across, frowning his head.

"Hey," Dean said.

The man turned and his eyes went wide as he saw Dean, "Hi." Dean was immediately struck by how _blue_ they were.

"Do I know you? You look very familiar," Dean said, examining the man up and down a frown forming on his lips. The man was maybe an inch or two shorter than him but he was attractive. The man had a small stubble, kind eyes, and wore a coat over his suit and piercing blue tie that was the wrong way around. 

The man shook his head furiously, "No, I doubt it. We've never met." He stuffed his wallet back into his pocket.

Dean shrugged and nodded, "Well, anyway, I'm Dean." He flashed a charming smile.

Dean stretched out his hand, and the man took it, "Jimmy. A pleasure to meet you, Dean." The man, Jimmy, as he called himself, immediately left without even paying for his room leaving Dean very confused and lost. What an odd person.

* * *

It was 2 weeks later when Dean bumped into the same man again, at a coffee shop, on a ghoul case.

The man saw him but he quickly fled with his coffee squeezing in his hands. Dean struggled as he grabbed his cup and hurried out the door, past the crowds of people.

"Hey! Wait!" Dean called out.

The man stopped, "What?" His voice was cold and stern.

"Jimmy, right? It's Dean, we met once before. Anyways, uh, weird meeting you here," Dean said, with a small smile. He couldn't stop staring at the man's brilliant and vibrant blue eyes.

"Hello, Dean. I have to go," the black-haired man said, turning around.

Dean quickly caught his arm, "Okay, sure. But I- uh- I was wondering… when you're done, maybe I can treat you with dinner? I can give you my number-"

The man's eyes softened, "I appreciate your offer, you seem… lovely. But I can't. I'm sorry. Have a nice day."

Dean stared as the man left in a rush.

* * *

Dean spent the next few days thinking about this blue-eyed man that would flash across in his mind and flounder into his dreams. For a while, Dean really thought he made up an imaginary person and felt like he was losing his mind. Dean found Sam in the kitchen pouring himself into a bowl of pasta.

"Sam, can I ask you something?" Dean asked, sitting down opposite his brother.

"You already did, dumbass," Sam mumbled.

Dean rolled his eyes and sat down. He bit his lips as he did when he was nervous, and stared at the wooden table in sudden fascination, "I- uh- ok, so this is going to sound crazy, but I saw this guy at this coffee shop a few days ago. And then before that at a motel. He, uh, I dunno, he was very kind and I wanted to ask him out for dinner but he was so- he seemed so-"

Sam gave him _that_ look that Dean absolutely detested, " _Dean?_ "

"The first time he saw me, his eyes went wide, almost like he recognised me. It was really weird, Sam."

Sam placed his fork down, "Does this mysterious man have a name?"

"He called himself Jimmy," Dean said quietly, "I feel like I imagined him sometimes. He was so- familiar. Do we know a Jimmy?"

Sam smiled, "No, we don't. You just need some sleep, man. We've been on some back to back hunts. It's probably taking a toll on you."

Dean nodded, "I know, it's just- this is different, Sammy." After a long pause, Dean continued, "do you ever feel like someone is missing in your life? Like there's something you're supposed to look after, protect, love, to _remember_ , but you don't know who it is. Sam, I think I'm losing my mind." Dean looked up with wide and terrified eyes.

Sam sighed, "Listen, Dean. I don't know what you're going through. But just take it slow, okay? Get some rest and some proper food in you for a change."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Good talk, brother." He ruffled Sam's hair playfully and stumbled out of the room.

Sam waited for Dean to disappear and he grabbed his phone and sent a simple text, _You met Dean?_

Sam's phone rang a second later.

"Cas, what's going on? I just spoke to Dean and he says he met you and he thinks he's losing his mind," Sam said in a quiet voice.

 _"I didn't mean it to happen!! We just bumped into each other twice in completely different states! Is he okay?"_ Castiel said.

"He said he felt like he was missing someone important in his life. Even though his mind doesn't remember you, I think his heart does. I don't know how long we can keep this up, Dean's not an idiot," Sam sighed, running his hand through his floppy tangled hair.

_"I know. Sam, it's already pretty bad. That day when I met Dean at the coffee shop, I felt the magic grow stronger. We need to figure something out quick."_

"I know, Cas, I'm really trying. Look, I'll call you later, okay? Take care."

_"You too. And watch out for Dean."_

Meanwhile, Dean waffled through his old books in his room, trying to clean his desk as best as he could. Maybe if he kept himself and his mind busy, he wouldn't have to think about that blue-eyed man every 5 seconds. He picked up an old book about angels, blowing the dust off it when a picture slipped out. He picked it up. It was him and the man that now appeared in his dreams.

"What the-" Dean mumbled. At the back was a little note, _Cas wanted to take me to the Grand Canyon. Good times._

Dean frowned, "Cas? But you said your name was Jimmy? The hell is going on?"

* * *

It was 3 weeks later when he met Castiel again. Cas didn't have time to hurry away because Dean caught up and pulled him into the busted and dirty alleyway.

"What-" Cas asked, confused as his back hit the wall.

"Alright, who the fuck are you?" Dean asked. He pulled out the picture he found weeks ago in his room and waved it over Castiel's baffled face, "I found this a few weeks ago. How do we know each other? Who are you really? And why can't I remember you?"

Cas looked at the picture and bit his lips, "Dean. I'm sorry-"

Dean pushed Cas furiously against the wall, "No. No, you don't get to leave until you fucking explain how we know each other. Cas, is it?"

Cas nodded. Suddenly there was a burst of thunder and lightning and it began to pour. Cas looked up as the water splattered on him. Dean looked up too, very confused, as it had been bright and sunny only a few minutes ago and now it looked like someone really pissed off God. They both brought their heads down at the same time. 

"Dean, I can't be here with you. It's not… safe. Ask your brother. He'll tell you everything. I'm sorry, Dean. I wish- I wish things were different." Cas placed his hand on Dean's cheek brushing it very slowly, "Although it has been wonderful to see you again." Dean held his breath because somehow this small gesture felt familiar, and just like that, Castiel had pulled Dean off him with incredible unforeseen strength and sprinted out of sight.

* * *

When Dean returned to the motel, Sam was even more confused.

"Dude, where did you go?" Sam asked.

Dean kicked off his boots, hung up his wet jacket, stripped to his boxers, grabbed a clean towel and started cleaning the water off him. He went up to Sam, still in his boxers, and slammed the picture down on the surface of the table where Sam was intensively doing some research on his laptop.

"Who is he, Sam? Cas? That's his name right? I met him today and got caught in a fucking storm that came out of nowhere. He told me to ask you. So start talking or I'll take your god damn kneecaps," Dean grumbled. He grabbed a clean shirt and put it over his chest, along with a clean pair of trousers, and sat down opposite Sam. Sam looked shell shocked and nervous.

"Okay. Okay. I'll tell you everything. But you have to promise you won't go looking for Cas. Dean, please," Sam said. Dean nodded and waited.

Sam took a long breath, "Okay. So. Cas, this is Cas. Castiel. He's one of the angels. He's the angel that pulled you out of hell." Dean's furrowed brow cleared. "He's our best friend, Dean. He was here for us when no one else was." Sam looked so sad and heartbroken, which confused Dean even more. 

"Then why don't I remember him, Sammy? I want to remember him," Dean asked quietly.

"A few months ago, you were hexed. Not your normal hex. This witch, she transferred this dark power into you. It started to kill you and turn you into a killer, like the Mark of Cain. Cas agreed to take on the power instead. It doesn't affect angels in the same way it affects humans, he's able to control it. We couldn't destroy the power you see, we didn't know how. We still don't. So we got Rowena to transfer the power from you to Cas. The spell she used… it had… side effects. One was that you couldn't remember Cas at all. All 10 years of memories were… I guess deleted or blocked. It was like you had amnesia, Dean. You had no recollection of him. Cas and I agreed this was the best. The power was inside you, and now it's inside Cas. When you and Cas come together, the power feeds off you, and it grows. The more it grows, the closer to the end of the world we get. I really mean it, Dean. I mean blood in the water, snakes popping out of nowhere, fire, flood, the whole thing. That's what Rowena predicted and it's better not to take a chance on these things. They don't end well for us. So anyway, we thought… if you didn't remember Cas, you would have no reason to want to see him. But then you started seeing him. Cas was so infuriated when I spoke to him. He said he's doing everything in his power to stay away from you, but it's like the universe won’t let him. Cas misses you, Dean. He misses you so much. But you can't see him. Do you understand?" Sam ended.

Dean put his head to his hands, "And to think I just wanted to take him on a fucking date."

Sam smiled a little, "Dean, I'm serious. You can call him or text him. But you can't see him. The power inside Cas has already grown and gotten stronger from the 3 meetings you've already had. It's too much already."

"I understand, Sammy," Dean said quietly, "Is that where the sudden storm came from?"

Sam nodded, "I think so. It was perfectly sunny out today."

Dean grumbled and sank into his chair, "You have his number?"

Sam nodded again, pulling out his phone, "Just… just be gentle, Dean. You don't remember him, but he remembers you. He cares for you in a way I've never seen with anyone, Dean. Don't hurt him, don't yell at him or get pissed. Being away from you is hurting him more than you'll know."

Dean frowned trying to make sense of everything Sam was saying but he obliged.

Dean looked up from his phone, "Sam."

Sam stared at him.

"Sam, did I love him?" Dean asked in a very small voice.

There was a long pause before Sam broke the silence, "That's for you to find out, Dean."

Dean frowned, _God damn Sam, as cryptic as ever._

Dean finally texted Cas.

**_ >Hey, it's Dean. Sam told me everything about the spell and all. I'm sorry this is happening. _ **

There was an instant reply.

**_ >>Hello, Dean. _ **

**_ >> I'm sorry too. But now you know why we can't meet. The power is already growing stronger by the day. Sam is trying to find a way to destroy it but I don't know how much longer I can fight it. _ **

**_ >>I miss you. _ **

Dean didn't remember Castiel, but he felt his heart wrench in pain.

**_ >We'll find a way, don't worry. I'm sorry I was so pushy. I didn't know. I hope you're okay. _ **

After a second he wrote,

**_ >Somehow, I miss you too. _ **

Cas didn't reply after that. So Dean didn’t say anything either.


	2. Oh memories, where'd you go?

**_ Before the ritual:  _ **

_ "Cas, no! This is stupid!" Dean bellowed. But even as he spoke, he felt weaker by the second. The magic grew stronger and stronger, weaving itself into Dean's soul and being. _

_ "Dean, Cas can handle the power and give us time to find a way to destroy it!" Sam argued back.  _

_ "Samuel is right," The red-headed witch said as she leaned against the doorway of their kitchen. She had her arms crossed against her chest watching the boys argue back and forth.  _

_ Dean glared at her, "Why are you still  _ here,  _ Rowena _ ? _ "  _

_ "My boy, do you know why the magic is growing unimaginably fast?" Rowena asked but she didn't wait for a reply, "This spell, this magic, I'm familiar with it. Once upon an extremely long time ago, there was a powerful witch. She wanted more power to strengthen her coven, so she drew power from these dark objects and cast a spell. But alas, unfortunately for that poor soul, the magic turned on her and turned dark. I think it was because the fool used dark objects to draw power. She should have known better. But anywho, the magic was strong and indestructible. She called it Exponentia Mortis _ -"

_ "The spell of death-" Sam interrupted, with a startled expression like he was putting things together in his head.  _

_ Rowena smirked, "I'm impressed, Samuel. Anyways, yes. The spell of Death. She locked the magic in a box. But if I'm not wrong, this magic escaped when my useless bastard of a son fought Lucifer. And the magic found Dean. Dean, who was once a torturer of hell, corrupted by THE Mark of Cain. The magic was attracted to his darkness and sought to find a new home in his body. But he cannot contain that power."  _

_ Cas frowned, "But an angel can contain that power?"  _

_ Rowena nodded, "I believe so, yes. At least provide you, boys, with enough time to find a way to destroy that monster once and for all."  _

_ "Not happening-" Dean said before he coughed intensely and almost collapsed to the ground. Cas (who was conveniently the closest to him) held Dean and helped him to his seat near the table.  _

_ "Dean, let me do this."  _

_ Dean glared at Cas, "No." _

_ "Look at yourself, Dean. You're dying. Let me help you," Cas said. Dean looked up at his brother who looked worried out of his mind.  _

_ "Then  _ you'll _ die," Dean said to Cas.  _

_ "You're dying FASTER," Cas replied, equally stubborn. He glared at Dean with fiery eyes and Dean knew there was no point in fighting a losing battle. _

_ "You're so annoying, Cas," Dean grumbled, "but fine."  _

* * *

Sam and Dean spent weeks searching through the lore for a way to destroy the magic inside Castiel. They talked to Rowena, more demons and angels but no one seemed to know a thing. Rowena scavenged the book of the damned as well as all her other powerful spell books and agreed to get in touch if she found anything.

Dean felt like he was losing his mind. He texted and called Cas a few times. He couldn't understand why he felt so fucking miserable all the time, he barely knew Cas! Everything felt wrong. Everything  _ hurt  _ and he didn't know  _ why.  _ He didn't understand why it hurt his chest to hear Cas's voice again. Or why he couldn't sleep and why he texted Cas at 2 am sometimes. He didn't understand why the bunker felt oddly quiet, or why he kept passing by the guest room a few doors down from his.

Dean entered the kitchen and stared. Again something felt wrong. He stared at the coffee maker that was unoccupied and sitting silently in the corner.  _ Did he make me coffee in the morning? Is that why… I'm feeling like this?  _ Dean made his coffee that morning, but it still felt  _ wrong.  _

They did more research and Dean kept staring at the space on the next table. Sam caught him staring.

"You good?" Sam asked, breaking Dean out of his trance.

Dean turned to look at Sam and frowned.

"That's normally where Cas would sit and bury his head in some book while we used our laptops," Sam explained.

"I don't understand why I  _ miss _ him. I don't know him, Sam," Dean said, slamming his book shut in frustration.

Sam couldn't help but smile, "Dean. You knew him for almost 10 years. You knew him better than I did. You were the first friend I think Cas ever had. And he was yours. He was all yours."

There it was again.  _ Yours. Your angel.  _ Dean didn't understand any of it. It was like Sam was in on an inside joke that Dean didn't know about.

"I want to see him," Dean said unexpectedly.

"You can video chat," Sam replied casually, glancing at the pages.

"No, Sam. I want to  _ go see him. _ "

Sam looked up again, and frowned, "You know, you can't."

Dean groaned and stood up stretching, "This is useless! We're not getting anywhere! God, I want to punch something."

Sam side-eyed him, "Go out, Dean. Get a beer or something. I'll finish up here."

Dean nodded and patted his brother's back before he left. Sam watched Dean leave.

Dean went to the local bar and the bartender smiled at him. She wore a crop top, with her tight black jeans and light makeup. Dean sat down and ordered his usual.

"Where's that blue-eyed beauty of yours?" She asked.

"Oh, he's- uh- not here," Dean stammered. He suddenly wanted to punch her in the face.  _ Woah there Winchester, calm down. _

Dean downed his shots and stared at the people in the bar. It was the late afternoon, soon the crowds will be flustering in in packs. He stared at the bartender again and frowned.  _ Am I jealous?  _ The thought struck Dean like a slap to the face. What the fuck. Why would he be jealous of a bartender asking for a person he doesn't even know?

_ This is useless _ , Dean paid and left.

He drove. When Dean wanted to clear his mind, he drove. He called Cas and put the phone on speaker and left it on the dashboard as he drove along the long and empty road.

_ "Hey Dean,"  _ Cas answered.

"Hey, Cas. Just wanted to check up on you," Dean said.

_ "I'm good. I saw this cat in the park today, she was very ferocious. She reminded me of you."  _

Dean laughed, relaxing back into his seat, "I am  _ not _ ferocious, Cas."

_ "I mean, that's debatable. Anyways, you've been calling me a lot more these days, is everything okay?" _ Cas asked worriedly.

"Yeah, yeah, I just… I miss you."

Dean didn’t know how but he could imagine Cas smiling on the other side of the phone,  _ "I miss you too. It's been very quiet without you."  _

"Same, the bunker feels quiet too. I want to see you, Cas. I don't understand why I feel like this, because I don't remember. But I want to see you."

Cas's voice tensed, " _ Absolutely not. Please don't. Dean, please."  _

"Alright, alright. Don't need to shit your pants, angel. I just wish you were here with us. Rowena is searching far and wide for something to destroy the spell because she recognises it but no luck yet."

_ "We'll figure something out."  _

There was a silent pause, while Dean admired the sun setting onto the road ahead of him. The sky was painted with vibrant lively auburn oranges, reds and purples. A few birds fluttered past him.

"Cas, can I ask you something? It might be weird though," Dean said.

_ "Sure, go ahead."  _

"You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But, I just, I was wondering. We were ever anything more than just friends?" Dean asked, trying not to break his voice.

Cas went silent on the phone.

"Cas? Like I said you don't have to answer. I just- I want to understand. I don't know if my memories will return or if I'm stuck like this forever, you know?" Dean said panicking now.

_ "I understand. And to answer your question, no. We were just friends."  _

Again, even  _ that  _ felt wrong.

"Alright, thanks. Anyways, I watched this movie last night, right…" Dean quickly changed the topic and drove on.

* * *

Dean spent that night rummaging through his phone, his books, his room, anything he could get his hands on to find out more about Castiel. Of course, he could just ask his brother. But Sam had his head buried in another book, stuffing his face with a chicken salad that he called "brain food". Dean didn't want to disturb  _ that _ relationship.

He found an old note that read:  _ Remember to give Cas the mixtape. _

Dean frowned. What mixtape??

Then he found another note that was scrunched up into a ball in the back of the drawer:  _ Tell Cas you're sorry. _

Dean's frown was now pretty much chiselled onto his face.

He continued to pretty much clean his entire room that night. He found useless shit like hidden empty beer bottles, more scraps of paper, and a little wooden box. Dean sat down on his bed and opened the box. It was filled it more scrunched up papers and notes that all looked useless, some old phone number he kept because they might be useful, and a little box within the box.

"Ooh treasure," Dean sang. He opened the smaller black box revealing a small necklace. It had a ring. A ring that he DID remember. One that looked like a replica of the one his mother gave him. He had lost that ring a long time ago, but this one looked so similar it was weird. There was a note inside written in beautiful cursive handwriting that Dean knew was not his.

_ Dean.  _

_ I know you lost your mother's ring a while back. Found this and wanted to gift it to you.  _

_ I hope you find peace and solace with it.  _

_ Happy Birthday.  _

_ Yours,  _

_ Cas.  _

Dean stared at the note for a full minute and then stared back at the necklace.  _ Why did I never wear this? Was I afraid of losing it like I lost the ring? Why did Cas gift this to me? Which birthday was this? _

Sam knocked on his door and opened it. Dean snapped his head up like a lost puppy caught in headlights. 

"Hey-"

Sam saw the necklace.

"Oh yeah, Cas gave that to you on your birthday 4 years ago."

Dean's eyes almost fell out of his skull, "4 fucking years ago? Why did I never wear it?"

Sam shrugged, "I dunno. You said something about it being too precious and how you would never forgive yourself if you lost it again. Cas didn't seem to mind, either way. He was just happy you liked it. You've had a lot of shitty birthdays, but that was a good one."

Dean stared at Sam blankly so Sam continued, "Cas noticed that even when you lost the ring you would trace your finger out of habit like it was still there. He noticed a lot of odd small things about you, it was cute. He wanted you to find peace and be happy."

"I feel like shit. I need to remember, Sam. Cas and I have so much history and I don't fucking remember shit! He's out there, by himself,  _ suffering _ and I get a free pass? How is that fair? Do you know how fucking sad he sounds when I call him?" Dean asked. Sam had that apologetic look again.

"Sam, help me remember. Jog my memory," Dean pressed. He put the necklace back and closed the box with the note carefully and then placed the smaller box into the other and closed it too.

"Well," Sam began, "Do you remember purgatory?"

Dean frowned, "I remember Benny. He got me out."

Sam sighed, "Sure, Benny found the escape pod, but Cas kept you _ safe."  _

"What?" Dean asked. Sam sat on the edge of Dean's bed so Dean followed suit.

"Yeah, he kept his distance from you so that monsters would be after _ him  _ and not you. You spent a whole year, refusing to leave without him. According to you, he had planned to stay there all along. When you found the escape portal, Cas pulled away and encouraged you to leave without him, because he felt like this was what he deserved," Sam stared at the floor, "Even after you got out of purgatory, you kept seeing him everywhere. I've seen you lose people before, Dean. But this was so different. You couldn't live without him, it was so clear. You were so consumed by guilt because you believed you left him behind, not knowing that Cas chose to stay."

Dean stared at Sam speechless, "I didn't save him?"

"You tried. You really tried. But he didn't want to be saved. Naomi pulled Cas out of Purgatory and then mind-controlled him, she was a real bitch. But Cas was able to fight the mind control because of you."

Dean opened his mouth and then closed it again, "I- what?"

"You got through to him in the end. You pulled him back."

"How- what- this doesn't make any sense. How can I not remember anything that happened with this one person who I clearly cared a lot for??" Dean fired through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I really am."

Dean stared at the floor and then put his head in his hands, "I found a note today. An old note I wrote to myself. It said to tell Cas I'm sorry. You know, like a reminder. Sam, have I hurt him in the past?" 

Sam sighed and nodded, "It was inevitable, Dean. We've all done things we regret, said things we don't mean. You and Cas have always had a complicated relationship. But no matter what happened, you two always made up." 

Dean grumbled something inaudible. 

"Dean, get some sleep, man. If Rowena finds anything she'll call, I'll finish up the books for today. You need to rest," Sam said. 

"You should rest too, Sam. You've been at the books all day. I'm worried about you. I know you miss Cas too," Dean said quietly, watching his brother. 

"I do miss him. But I can't rest until we find a solution," Sam said and Dean nodded understanding perfectly well that annoying itch you couldn't scratch. Dean wrapped up for the night, took some panadol for his light headache and crashed the moment his head hit the pillow. 


	3. Fall into Midnight

Dean twisted and turned around in his bed, clutching his pillow tightly as what he thought were dreams sprawled his mind. Not dreams, but more like memories all morphing together one after another. 

_"Who are you?" "I am an angel of the lord" "Dean, you have to stop it." "You're different" "I was getting too close to the humans in my charge, you." "I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be" "Cas, what do you believe?" "What? I like past you." "Dean and I do share a more profound bond." "I'm doing this, for you, Dean." "Don't make me lose you too." "I'm sorry, Dean." "When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost!" "I'd rather have you, cursed or not." "…to keep them away from you." "I need you, buddy." "Dean, go!" "It's like I'm seeing him." "You prayed to him?" "Cas, it's me, we're family. We need you. I need you." "You were stupid for the right reasons." "Don't lose it over one man." "He's in love, with humanity." "And then you'd kill the angel, Castiel, now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful." "Everyone you know, everyone you love will be dead, everyone except me."_

Dean woke up, sweating and gasping as if he had been running a marathon. He squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed the palm of his hands into his face.

"Oh my god," Dean whispered into oblivion. He remembered it all, he remembered everything. And along with that came a throbbing headache.

Dean pulled out his phone and called Cas immediately.

Castiel answered on the first ring.

 _"Dean?"_ Cas asked, _"It's midnight, why are you up?"_

"Cas?" Dean's voice was utterly broken, "Cas, I remember. I remember everything. Shit, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

There was a weird silence on the other side of the phone for a few seconds before the angel answered.

 _"This is not your fault. I decided to take on this power, and we didn't know you would experience memory loss. Are you okay?"_ Cas asked.

"Other than the massive headache I'm experiencing? Yeah, I'm _peachy,"_ Dean grumbled with a small sigh.

He could _hear_ Castiel's smile when he said, _"Aren't you always_ peachy? _I wish I could see you."_

"Yeah, I know. How are you holding up?" Dean asked concerned.

"I'm managing. It's harder each day, but I'll get through it. I look forward to seeing you again after this is all over," Cas said.

"Me too, Cas. Look, just, keep fighting, okay? We'll find a solution, I promise."

Cas remained quiet until he went, "You should go back to sleep."

They said their goodbyes and Dean collapsed back into his pillow.

The morning arose and Dean's headache was gone. He dressed ready for the day, and went to find Sam who had fallen asleep on the table in the library on top of a book he had been reading last night. Dean smiled, gently removed the book, and wrapped his little brother up in a warm blanket. Sam didn't stir. Dean continued the reading.

After perhaps 30 minutes, Sam's phone rang and he jumped awake, the blanket dropping to the floor. Dean looked up.

"Hello?" Sam said to the phone. He immediately stood up and started pacing back and forth as he spoke into the phone hurriedly. Dean observed him.

After a while, Sam ended the call with a grin on his face.

"What?" Dean asked sceptically.

"Rowena said she found the book, the original spellbook that the witch back in the days had used. She's trying to reverse the spell so it'll take her a few days at most. We're one step closer," Sam chirped in excitement.

"God bless Rowena, huh?"

"You gonna tell Cas?" Sam asked.

"I'll wait and tell him once she knows how to reverse the spell. I don't want to get his hopes up for nothing, if this doesn't pan out," Dean said, closing his book shut.

"That's fair," Sam replied.

Dean found them a vampire case a few towns over and they decided it was better to get out while they waited. The vampire case was nothing big, just your ordinary bloodsucker, breaking rules and killing people that Sam and Dean had no problem putting down. They grabbed a few beers and burgers at the diner at the end of the day.

"How's Cas holding up?" Sam asked Dean as they ate their meals in the diner.

Dean took a swing out of his beer, "The same old, you know. He's not good, Sam."

Sam sighed, shaking his head, "I hate all of this so much. Cas is the last person who should be going through this."

"Exactly. I should have never let him do this."

Dean finished his burger and pushed his plate away slightly.

Sam smiled weakly, "You know you can't stop Cas. No one can." 

"I probably could," Dean sank back into his seat, "I probably could have gotten through to him." 

"Dean, when Cas is hell-bent on saving your ass, you can't stop him," Sam said with a small laugh. 

"I owe him everything, man." 

Sam watched his brother finish the beer and stare down at the table. 

"Dean, what's going on with you?" Sam asked. 

Dean looked up disconcerted, "What?" 

"You've been out of it, lately. I mean I know your memories came back and that must have been overwhelming, but you know, Cas will be okay. We'll figure this out, we always do," Sam said, almost as if he was trying to convince himself rather than his brother. 

After a pause, Dean looked up, "You remember a while ago when I had amnesia, I asked if you felt like there was someone you're supposed to look after? To love?"

Sam nodded slowly. 

"Sam, I can't let anything bad happen to him," Dean said very quietly. 

Sam knew what that translated to: _Sam, I love him._

"I know." 

Sam knew his brother inside out, and he had known about Dean's maddening and intense feelings for the angel for a while now. It was impossible to miss, what with the constant staring and dying for each other type of shit. Sam had always known. But seeing his brother at that moment, finally, admitting it was unexpected. Dean looked scared. Not because he was able to be open, but scared to lose Cas. Again. 

They paid the bills and returned to their motels. Sam took a shower first and completely crashed into a very deep and well-deserved sleep. 

Dean had some more trouble sleeping but it didn't take long for him to doze off. 

_It was Dean Winchester's 35th birthday._

_He was in his room, drowning out the world with some music that he didn't hear his brother enter his room. There was a tap on his shoulder causing Dean to jump and spin. He fumbled with his headphones as he turned off the music._

_"Don't you know how to knock?" Dean asked._

_Sam huffed, "Not that you would have heard it. Happy birthday, brother." Sam handed Dean a bottle of his favourite wine. Dean wasn't much of a wine-drinker but if it was just right then maybe he could dig it._

_Dean grinned, "You know my tastes, huh, thanks, Sammy." Dean wrapped his arms around Sam tightly. He saw Cas staring at them fondly with a little box in his hand. Sam turned around._

_"Go ahead," Sam said, backing away._

_Cas stepped forward, and took a long breath, "Happy Birthday, Dean."_

_Dean took the small box with thanks and opened it. A little note fell to the ground that Cas picked up. Dean stared at the gift speechless. He looked up at Cas who was beaming. It was a replica of his mother's ring, the one he lost YEARS ago, and it was tied to a necklace. Dean's mouth and brain couldn't formulate words or sentences. He picked it up gently in his hand._

_"I know you lost your mother's ring a few years ago. You were bummed but you never whined about it. I would imagine it gave you some form of peace. I noticed you rubbing your finger like it was still there. So when I saw this one day, I had to get it for your birthday. I know it's not the original but I hope-" Cas's rambling was cut off when Dean threw his arms around the angel._

_"I love it, thank you." Dean pulled away, admiring the jewellery._

_"Would you like to wear it?" Cas asked watching Dean._

_"Actually, can I just keep it here with me? I'm too scared to lose it, would never forgive myself, you know," Dean replied quietly. Cas nodded and placed a hand on Dean's shoulder gently._

_That night, when the world was fast asleep, Dean opened the little box again. He took the necklace to his hand and twisted it around and read the note with a smile._

_Even in the darkest of days, Dean had turned to that little piece of jewellery to find some, any, sort of peace._

Dean shifted and turned around in his bed, the perfect peaceful dream turning into one of his worst memories.

_"Cas, hold on!" Dean yelled as the portal enclosed around him. Cas was holding on but it wasn't good enough. Cas's eyes cleared as he let go._

_"Dean, go!" Cas said. Dean was stunned and confused but it was already too late, the portal closed leaving Cas behind in Purgatory._

The dream shifted.

_"Damnit Cas, we can fix this!"_

_"Dean, it's not broken!"_

And again:

_"Everyone you know, everyone you love will be dead, everyone except me."_

_Dean had almost killed Cas that day in the bunker, but every instinct, every cell in his body had told him to stop. But the rage, oh the rage, it had been so strong. The need to kill. The need to fight. And when the punches came he couldn't stop. He threw Cas to the table and let his anger, rage and fury take over; he let the Mark take over._

_Cas never fought back. That's what had been crushing Dean ever since that dreadful day. Cas never fought back, he never punched Dean, even though they both knew that Cas could have beat Dean's ass easily, Mark of Cain or not. But he had faith in Dean as he always did. When Dean finally got the Mark off him, he felt like shit. He almost killed Cas._ Cas, _of all people. And Cas would have let him._

Dean's eyes flickered open. 

"Fucking hell," Dean muttered into the darkness. He laid awake, staring into the void, thinking everything over in his head. Cas was suffering. Even at this moment, Dean, himself, was fine. He was okay. Nightmares were now a part of him, he didn't let them get to him. But Cas was in agony- constantly fighting, never letting his guard down, unable to see his friends, his family, spending months and months alone. Dean couldn't bare it. 


	4. Through Angel Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in Castiel's POV as we continue the story! I hope you're enjoying it so far!   
> -nethmi

Castiel spent most of his days jumping from one state to another, finding cases and helping people where he could. He tried not to get into too many fights or use his powers more than he needed to because the dark magic inside him was growing consistently and undeniably stronger by the day. But with all that being said, he was still glad they went through with the ritual.

_ "Castiel, my dear, are you ready?" Rowena asked, positioning herself in front of the bowl. Sam assisted her in helping to prepare the ingredients while Rowena prepared the spell in their spacious library.  _

_ "I am."  _

_ Dean was sitting down on one of the chairs, staring at Cas, probably more afraid for the angel than he was for himself. Cas noticed Dean goggling at him and turned to face him.  _

_ "Cas, I know this is useless, but I'm gonna try one last time," Dean said, "Don't do it."  _

_ Castiel rolled his eyes, and knelt in front of Dean, "You know damn well I never listen to anything you say."  _

_ Dean smirked at him, "Yeah, and you know I had to try."  _

_ Cas smiled a little at Dean, squeezing his knee gently, before standing up and nodding to Rowena. The witch cast her spell as her eyes glowed deep purple. Sam added the remaining ingredients and chanted with Rowena. Dean squirmed in his seat, his entire body started to heat up, and Castiel worried. It was as if the magic inside Dean refused to leave. But as Rowena and Sam chanted louder and with more determination, the magic (a dark blue pure knot of energy) rose out of Dean's body and fell back into Castiel's. Cas gasped, Dean passed out, and Sam stopped chanting altogether. The younger Winchester sprinted to his brother, checking to make sure he was still alive, and then took some long strides to Castiel, who was now on the floor, on his knees, staring at the ground.  _

_ "Cas?" Sam asked. Cas slowly opened his eyes.  _

_ "I'm okay… I think. Dean, how's Dean?" Cas asked.  _

_ "Dean's fine, my dear," it was Rowena who answered, "All the dark magic inside of Dean is now inside of you."  _

_ Dean started to stir awake. He shuffled about in his chair, rubbing his eyes. Castiel stood up, and he and Sam both looked at Dean. Dean stared at Cas.  _

_ "Who are you?"  _

_ The words stung like a knife digging into Castiel's chest.  _

_ "Dean?" Sam asked.  _

_ "Oh dear," Rowena said. She quickly went over to Dean and checked him out, "Dean seems to be experiencing intense memory loss."  _

_ "He- what?" Cas asked.  _

_ Rowena stared at Cas, "Castiel, he doesn't remember you. All his memories of you are just… gone."  _

_ Cas and Sam gawked at Dean. Rowena waved her fingers and Dean went right back to sleep.  _

_ "What do you mean… gone?" Cas asked, suddenly worried and panic overcame him. Dean wouldn't just forget about him, he couldn't.  _

_ "I'm not sure. But he doesn't remember you at all, Castiel. I saw it in his mind just now. He has no recollection of you. I'm sorry. This was rather the unexpected side effect," Rowena said.  _

_ Sam looked at Cas, "Cas? Do you want to try to bring his memories back?"  _

_ Cas watched Dean for a second. Dean looked so peaceful when he slept. No pain, or suffering. He looked like a little boy again.  _

_ "No. Let him be."  _

* * *

Castiel went through his contacts and paused, his finger hovering over Dean's number.  _ No, I shouldn't. _

Days passed by in a flash. Dean called almost every day, sometimes twice a day, and they caught up. Castiel told him about the cases he worked on and the people he helped save. Dean told Cas about the movies or shows he watched, about Sam intense dieting habits that Dean didn't agree with. They enjoyed each other's company, even if it was just over the phone. Sam called too. Cas and Sam had long conversations about Dean, about the magic, about Rowena, about how terrified they both were. It was only a few nights later when Castiel got a call from Dean at midnight. Dean explained that he remembered everything, and something inside Castiel shattered. Dean sounded shivered and broken. After that night, Dean didn't call Cas as much as he used to. Cas didn't understand why. When Dean called, the first thing he did was apologise. Sam called to check up on Cas and Cas was heart-warmed about that. Sam always cared so much.

One night Dean called, and Cas answered. Dean sniffled and sounded like he had been crying for a while. And yet Cas didn't comment on it or bring it up because he knew Dean better than to do that. They talked for an hour that day, maybe two hours. Dean making all sorts of promises to fix this mess. Cas telling him not to make promises he couldn't keep. Dean never raised his voice. Dean never yelled at him. Dean never sounded mad or dismiss Cas. And Castiel didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Dean was so…  _ different.  _

It was a few nights later when Castiel got a very distressing call from Sam.

"Sam?" Cas answered.

Sam was crying, "Cas, oh my god, Cas, I didn't know- the car just came out of nowhere- shit- Cas-"

Cas dropped everything, and immediately grabbed his car keys in his other hands, preparing to leave, "Sam, just breathe and talk to me. What happened?"

"It's Dean. Cas, it's Dean. He's dying."

Cas paused with his hand to the doorknob. His vision blurred for a millisecond, but he pulled himself together, for Sam, "Sam, what do you mean by that?"

"Cas, we were coming back from this case, and- and- this car- this massive car came out of nowhere and it just fucking hit us. Dean lost control of the car, we crashed and we- Cas- I called 911, Dean's in the hospital here, but he's not responding. The doctors said that Dean's subclavian artery got badly injured. He lost so much blood and went to hypovolemic shock, and then his organs started failing and- Cas, I don't know what to do, I tried healing spells, but nothing's working," Sam sounded so young and frightened.

"Ok, Sam, just breathe. Everything will be fine, I'm on my way right now. Text me the address, and I'll come to you. Dean will be okay. I'm coming, alright Sam?" Cas said, speaking loud and clear. Castiel was out the door.

"No, you can't- Cas, you can't  _ be here.  _ You can't be near Dean, remember?" Sam said.

"I don't care about that right now. You need my help, and I am coming. Text me the address. Are you okay, Sam? Are  _ you _ hurt?" Cas asked. He quickly got into his car and closed the door.

"I'm fine, just some broken bones, but I'm fine. It's Dean who got it bad. So fucking bad," Sam replied.

"You stay safe, Sam, I'm on my way to you."

And Castiel drove, forgetting all about the traffic lights and cameras and other cars on the road. He drove like hell.

* * *

When Cas arrived at the hospital a few hours later, Sam collapsed into his arms. Sam's eyes were beads of red and despair, he was holding a book in his hands that Castiel recognised as one of Rowena's minor spellbooks. Cas gave Sam the longest and warmest hug he could give him, and healed him completely. Sam guided Castiel over to where Dean was laying on his bed, almost lifeless. Cas couldn't take his eyes away from Dean. The last time Cas saw Dean was in that dirty alleyway when Dean confronted him. He had been  _ alive _ , and so confused, and then they spent months separated. Now, Dean was there on that rugged hospital bed with tubes springing out of his nose, his mouth, his hands and arms. Castiel felt the magic inside him suddenly amplify. There was a weird pull towards Dean but Cas couldn't tell if that was the magic, or the universe pulling him and Dean together again. 

Castiel stepped forward, just one step, and there was a massive lightning strike outside. Sam almost jumped out of his skin and looked around restlessly. Castiel quickly came to Dean's side, pressed a hand on Dean's chest, and closed his eyes. He let his grace do the rest of the work. In a matter of seconds (which felt like minutes), Dean woke up gasping and shaking all over. Sam was on his other side, Cas retrieved his hands away sharply almost like he was burned. Dean's eyes met Cas's and all the machinery in the hospital started to go haywire. They started beeping and making weird high pitched noises.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas stepped back and looked at Sam, "Look after your brother."

"No, Cas, don't leave," Dean choked out. He reached out one of his tubed strung up weak hands towards Cas, but the angel just kept backing away. Cas didn't want to leave. But now the saline tubes were filling up with blood. Sam gasped audibly. Cas stepped back, not taking his eyes off Dean.

"Cas!" Dean croaked out and before anyone could see the tears spilling from his eyes, Cas left.

The tubes turned clear as saline returned, the monitors and screens started working again, the thunder and lightning died down, and Dean's head fell back onto the pillow. Dean stared at Sam not saying a word.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked and then immediately regretted it because he knew Dean was not okay. He was anything  _ but _ okay. Dean closed his eyes and prayed to never wake up.

Castiel returned to his car on the parking lot, but that wasn't enough. He knew he had to put more distance between himself and Dean, so he began to drive. He wiped the tears off, and he drove. Seeing Dean like that was something he never wanted to experience ever again, but somehow seeing Dean awake, confused and calling out for Cas was somehow even worse. 

* * *

Cas was so drained after that day, he decided to crash at a motel. He went to the front desk to get a room and remembered meeting Dean that day. Dean didn't know who he was, but he had that same brilliant charming smile that Cas adored. Cas had panicked and said he was Jimmy.  _ Probably should have chosen a better name...  _

Unlike that day where he instantly left without paying, Cas paid, retrieved the keys and went up to his cramped room.

As he cleaned up, his mind kept racing. 

He had met Dean again in that little coffee shop. Dean wanted to take him to dinner. That little bit had definitely caught Cas off guard. Dean had been so upfront, yet still polite and alluring. Cas knew if it were under different circumstances, he would have said yes to that date. But naturally, their lives were never that simple. Cas remembered the disappointed look on Dean's face when he rejected his offer. He remembered the fire in Dean's eyes when he waved that picture of them in that busted up alleyway. 

Cas pulled out the picture of Sam and Dean that he carried in his sturdy coat, and admired it for a second. He missed them both dearly. Most of the time, Cas never felt like he belonged. He believed it was his mission to save the brothers, to protect Dean, and care for Sam, but he never believed to be part of their little family. But after seeing Dean in that hospital, reaching out for Cas, he knew he was very wrong. Sam and Dean were his family now. And they needed him to continue fighting. 


	5. Fire and Blood

Sam and Dean returned to the bunker, Sam helping Dean down the stairs. Cas had healed almost all of Dean's major injuries but his ribs still hurt like a major bitch. Dean had texted Cas to say thank you but Cas hadn't replied. After making sure Dean was in one piece, Sam went to check on Cas. But again, Cas didn't answer. Cas avoided all contact with the Winchesters unless it was really necessary. Dean missed his lengthy conversations with Cas more than anything. But when he remembered the mortified look on Castiel's face when the saline tubes started to fill with blood in the hospital due to the magic, everything started to hurt again. 

A week passed by in a flash, Sam and Dean trying to help Rowena in whatever way they could. Most of the time it was Sam bickering with Rowena about some spell and ingredients, and Dean couldn't stand the both of them. Dean wanted to hunt. His fingers twitched and craved for a hunt, his mind wanted to return to work, his muscles wanted to get back into a fight. But of course, Sam wanted Dean to rest. It was a never-ending cycle. 

That Monday morning, Rowena called Sam with some hopeful news.

After his phone call, Sam sprinted down the arid hallways of the bunker and halted at Dean's door.

"DEAN," Sam bellowed.

"What?" The annoyed voice answered.

"She did it. Rowena figured out how to reverse the spell so that she can destroy it."

Dean's entire face lit up. He grabbed his phone from the table and stared at Sam.

"She said we needed to find a large empty plain to perform this ritual. She needs energy and a lot of power to do this, and of course, we don't know the kind of hell that'll break loose when you and Cas meet. Call Cas and tell him to meet us at the field just outside the brewery downtown by 2 pm. Rowena needs time to collect the ingredients; some we have in the bunker, some we don't." Dean was already texting Cas by the time Sam finished.

Cas finally replied with:

**_ >>Brilliant. I'll be there. Thank you. _ **

Dean stared at the message and sighed, turning off his phone. He'll be with Cas soon enough.

* * *

Sam, Dean and Rowena waited. The field was an empty one indeed, stretching for miles, far and wide. Sam helped arrange and prepare the ingredients, while Rowena went over the spell one last time. Dean meanwhile paced back and forth restlessly.

"Dean, he'll be here," Sam comforted him.

And sure enough, a few minutes later, a car drove in and stopped. Castiel stepped out looking completely worn out and exhausted. Dean's automatic reaction was to walk towards Cas and hug him, but he stopped himself and backed away cautiously. Castiel looked around, from Sam to Rowena, and finally to Dean. Their eyes met, and Dean saw the pain and suffering Cas had endured all these months. It wasn't fair.

Sam helped Cas and placed him in a spot, and then he guided Dean to a few inches away from Cas. It was too close. The sky started to rumble and dark clouds appeared, blocking out the sun completely.

"We're ready, let's start," Sam said. Dean and Cas didn't take their eyes off each other.

Rowena started by adding some ingredients that Sam had crushed before this and began chanting. Sam joined in, holding Rowena's small and delicate hands in his massive ones, adding one ingredient after another with his free hand.

There was a burst of lightning, and it started to rain. The chanting grew louder. Cas crumpled to the floor, clutching his chest. Dean called out to him, worried. 

Another burst of lightning and it struck the ground, fire erupting out of the Earth and spreading so that it was encircling Dean and Cas only. Dean felt it too this time. It was a sudden heat that coursed through his body, stinging his muscles, bones and tissues of his organs. But this was nothing compared to the agony Cas was enduring. The pain Cas was experiencing was tenfold what Dean was encountering. Cas screamed and blood exploded from the ground like lava erupting from the core of the Earth. Pools and pools of blood surrounded them as if the Earth itself was in pain.

"Guys, stop it! You're hurting him!" Dean screamed begging at Sam, but Sam and Rowena continued. Cas's screams grew louder to the point where Dean wished he didn't have ears anymore. The rain poured down on them, lightning flashing across the skies, fire and blood surrounding them, it was like the end of the world… again.

"Cas!" Dean screamed through all of nature's natural forces encircling them. Cas didn't look up. The only thing that made sure Dean knew Cas was even alive was the unbearable screaming. _This is all my fault,_ Dean's mind raced as the pain etched through him, _He's in pain because of me._

Dean kept his eyes trained on Cas, but Cas was fighting his own battle. After a few seconds of immense thunder, a dark blue light lifted off Castiel's body and Dean's eyes followed it. The blue glow floated in mid-air for a few seconds before bursting and disintegrating into nothingness. Cas's screams died down, and his body fell limp to the ground. Dean felt the heat in his body leave as his inside began to cool. The fire died down. The blood in the ground disappeared just as fast as it had come, leaving no maroon trail behind. The rain ceased, and the thunder quieted.

Sam broke off from Rowena, sprinting towards Castiel, shaking him awake. Dean laid on the ground, watching his brother try to wake up the angel.

 _Please wake up, Cas, please,_ Dean silently prayed.

And then Castiel coughed and his eyes fluttered open. Sam immediately scooped the angel in his arms tightly and pulled him to his feet.

"It's gone. The magic is fully gone. I can't feel it anymore." Just as Castiel said those words, the skies cleared and the sunlight began to slowly peak out. Dean looked up at the illuminating sky above. It was finally over.

"Thank you, Rowena. Thank you, Sam," Cas said, staring back and forth between them.

"Always a pleasure, my dear," Rowena cooed. Sam let go of Cas. and Cas turned to look at Dean who was staring like an idiot with his mouth hanging open.

It was like someone slapped Dean out of his stupor because he suddenly started fast walking over to Castiel and soon enough, Dean finally, after months and months of suffering separately, had his arms wrapped around his angel. Cas didn't hesitate in hugging Dean back with equal ferocity.

"It's so _good_ to see you, Dean," Cas mumbled into Dean's neck. Dean didn't let go. He didn't _want_ to let go. Dean felt a cool rush course through his body and he knew it was Castiel's grace saying hello. It felt familiar, and for the first time in months, Dean finally felt _safe._ Dean knew Cas was healing him, any internal injuries the ritual left him with, Cas was already healing him. And for the first time in his life, he felt something else. There was a weight blanketing him and him only. Dean could have even sworn he saw a shadow of Castiel's broken wings that were wrapped around him.

"Don't you ever do that again," Dean grumbled, holding Cas tighter.

"I'll try not to. Although I won't make any promises," Cas smiled. Dean buried his head into Cas, taking in every small scent and detail as he possibly could.

"You're an ass," Dean whispered.

When Cas laughed, he felt the angel's muscles and body move up and down, "Yeah, and you love me," Cas replied nonchalantly.

Dean didn't think when he said, "I do." Somehow, he didn't care anymore.

Cas squeezed Dean one final time and pulled away. When he withdrew himself, he very quickly placed a kiss on Dean's cheek. It was so fast that Dean was scared he imagined it. But Cas had that sneaky annoying sparkle in his eyes that said otherwise. Sam was smirking and smiling in the background while helping Rowena clean up the mess, and pretending like he didn't see his older brother turn a new shade of pink.

"Let's go home, Cas," Dean said softly.

Cas stared at him, tilted his head, and smiled, "I already am home."

Dean grinned and shook his head lightly, "Idiot." Cas smiled fondly.

When they walked back to the Impala, Cas interlocked his fingers into Dean's silently and neither of them said a word. Cas was right. They were already home.


	6. Finding You Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! No pain I swear, it's just cute fluff, domestic deancas and cute brotherly moments.   
> I recommend listening to "If your prayers don't get to heaven" by Brian Fallon while reading this chapter because the music really sets to tone and vibe for this chapter :)

The bunker felt more alive than ever. Dean was able to get a full night of sleep, as did Cas and even Sam. Rowena had wanted "payment" for her services and Sam had asked "how much money are we talking here?" but instead Rowena had simply smirked and asked Sam on a date. Dean had snickered, even Cas had been amused. Of course, Sam couldn't refuse. After all, Rowena had helped them with Cas so much, but needless to say, he was terrified.

Dean was half awake, half asleep, trudging down the hallway until he arrived at the kitchen in his "old man robe", and found Cas by the coffee maker. It just clicked, seeing him there in that trenchcoat, and everything was right again. 

"Morning sunshine," Dean grumbled.

Cas looked up and smiled, "Morning, Dean." He brought Dean's cup of coffee and offered it to him.

"Thanks, princess," Dean accepted the cup and melted into the delights of his drink. Somehow, it tasted so much better when Cas made it for him.

"How are you?" Cas asked, eyeing Dean up and down.

"Pretty good. You?" Dean took a long sip and leaned against the counter.

"Good, considering I had a mystical dark power eating away at me for the past few months," Cas said with a shrug. Dean lifted an eyebrow.

"How is Sam holding up? When's his date?" Cas asked. Dean almost choked on his drink; he had forgotten about Sam's "date".

"He's okay, and his date is tomorrow... I think?"

"I can't believe Sam is going on a date with Rowena, I mean  _ Rowena _ of all people," Cas muttered, opening the fridge. Dean watched him, his lips curling upwards into a soft smile.

"We should do something for Sam. I feel bad, Cas. He spent so much time and effort trying to save you while I just sulked around like a bitch," Dean said. Cas heated some leftover pizza in the microwave.

"How about we make dinner? A family dinner?" Cas asked, "I think we deserve it." 

"The only person in this household who can cook an edible meal is Sam," Dean laughed, "And did you forget you had  _ a mystical dark power eating away at you for the past few months."  _ Dean mocked him, earning a brilliant eye roll from Cas. 

The microwave sang as it finished, and Cas pulled the pizza out, laying it on a plate, "I think we can try. I can cook, but I just taste the molecules most of the time. So you can be my… tasting buddy."

Dean doubled over laughing, "You know "tastebuddies" has a completely different meaning, right?"

Cas tilted his head, exasperated, _ "Dean." _

Dean snickered, "Okay sure. We'll try. If all else fails, we can order something." Cas nodded satisfied.

Dean gazed at Cas for a second before going, "Hey, Cas. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through all that."

Cas seemed genuinely bewildered, "Why are you apologising, Dean?"

Dean shifted his feet and put his cup down on the counter, "You went through all that suffering because of me. It's always because of me, Cas."

Cas tilted his head again, observing Dean like a hawk, "It was my decision. This is not on you. How many times do I have to tell you, this is not your fault, Dean. This is just how our lives are like."

Dean avoided Cas's eyes and stared down, "I know, but you seem to suffer a lot because of me."

Cas silently moved towards Dean, bridging the small gap between them. He placed a soft hand on Dean's chin bringing Dean's face up so that their eyes met. 

"I would go through fire for you, you know this," Cas said tenderly, "Now anyways, you need to eat. Whatever life throws at us next, we'll figure it out together." 

Cas slid the plate of heated up left-over pizza towards Dean. There were two slides, he pushed one towards Cas.

"You need to keep up your strength," Dean said.

Cas pushed the slide back to Dean, "I'm an  _ angel _ , Dean. I'll heal." Dean grumbled something that sounded like "show-off" before he stuffed his face with food.

* * *

Dean squealed as he burnt his finger on the pan, and yanked his hand away. Cas looked at him as if he had killed a fucking puppy. Dean stared at his burnt finger. Cas snaked over, grabbed Dean's hand and healed him.

"See, this is why I need you," Dean cooed at the angel. 

"When you burn your finger, you're supposed to put it in cool water, Dean," Cas sighed.

Dean smirked, "Yeah, I knew that.  _ Of course _ . But why would I do that, when I've got you?"

Cas rolled his eyes, starting to walk away. Dean winked at him playfully and Cas's eye roll intensified. There was a lot of that these days, a lot of playful looks, snarky remarks, and eye-rolls. Dean enjoyed riling up Cas and messing with him every chance he got because they both knew that Cas was the only one who could keep up with Dean and the only person who could talk back to him. 

They were almost done with dinner, Dean's Zeppelin Playlist almost at an end (yes, Sam finally convinced Dean to get Spotify after a lot of grievances). Cas cleaned the plates and bowls and started to present everything. Dean looked at the food proudly. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, casually, staring at the food as well. Dean noticed Cas was being a lot more affectionate which was dazing and strange, not that he complained. But unbeknownst to Dean, Cas sensed that Dean missed his touch. He felt that longing when Dean wanted an extra long hug, or when he pretended to be careless so he can have Cas closer to him again. Cas didn't complain either, of course, he enjoyed any form of contact with Dean- he always did. But now everything was different. They had both suffered in a way that was bound to change a person. Dean wanted to be around Cas every second possible, to hold him, to talk to him and laugh with him. He never complained when Cas bossed him around in the kitchen, telling him off for a missing a step. He didn't mind watching Cas read the instructions with a very confused expression on his face, where he bit his lips and tilted his head. Dean cherished every small moment. 

"I think we make a pretty good team," Cas said quietly, over Dean's shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, we do."

Cas placed a gentle kiss on Dean's cheek, causing Dean to blush a deep magenta like he was twelve again.

"Come on, help me with these," Cas said, untangling himself. It took a few moments for Dean to snap back into action.

Dean and Castiel laid out the table in their living room, with food and plates and drinks. They somehow managed to make roasted chicken, pasta, little bowls of rice, a massive salad, pan-roasted potatoes and even a small apple pie for dessert. Sam returned from an evening run, washed up and entered to see Dean beaming at him.

"Heya brother," Dean grinned. 

"You guys did NOT make this…" Sam said, dumbfounded.

Cas stood beside Dean smiling, "We did. We wanted to say thank you for all the work you did to save me. I know these past few weeks, uh, months, have been tough so we thought it would nice to have a family dinner for once."

"Thanks, guys, this looks incredible. Let’s eat?" Sam asked. Dean and Sam sat opposite each other while Cas sat at the head of the table. It was only fair since he had suffered the most and Cas  _ was  _ the eldest one there. They made small talk as they ate until Dean brought up Sam's fun little "date" for tomorrow.

"Oh god, please, let's not. I'm dreading it. She'll probably hex me or something," Sam grunted, sagging his shoulders.

Dean howled with laughter, "Yeah, better watch out. She'll eat you alive."

Sam made a face and groaned, "Gross dude, we're eating!"

Cas smiled to himself as the brothers argued back and forth.

"Anyways, Cas, what are your plans now that you don't have a dark power eating you inside?" Sam asked, eyes shimmering brightly.

Dean returned with the pie. They cut up smaller pieces (Sam had hoped this would prevent Dean from downing the whole thing) and distributed the slices into three plates.

"Oh, I don't know. I just want to spend as much time with you two. I've missed you both," Cas said fondly watching them. Dean looked up from his dearest pie and smiled. So did Sam.

"I can't wait to get back into hunting with you," Dean said excitedly.

"And movie nights! We're starting movie nights!" Sam chirped

"I am NOT having your filthy hands all over my beautiful TV," Dean grunted.

Sam smirked at him. Dean kept a beautiful massive TV in his "Deancave" along with a few other surprises, but he got extremely protective over it. Sam had this idea for movie nights every week. They never got around to actually going through with the plan because the world was constantly being destroyed, but now, things were quiet.

"I think that would be lovely, Sam," Cas replied. Sam grinned and ravished his slice of pie. Cas had never been happier than he was at that moment.

After dinner, Sam helped Dean clean up and do the dishes. They were on a roll, splitting up the tasks to washing and drying.

"So, what's going on with you and Cas?" Sam asked with a smirk.

Dean grunted, "Nothing, Sam."

"Really? Something's changed between you guys, I can tell. Are you ever gonna ask him on that date? The one you wanted to ask before Cas ran away at that coffee shop," Sam laughed.

Dean _ really  _ wanted to grab a bucket of water and just drown Sam's long gorgeous beads of hair with it for simply bringing up the date idea.

"Maybe, I don't know. I don't want to rush things, he's- I mean, it's  _ Cas, _ you know?" Dean replied.

Sam nodded, "I get it, I do. But Dean, stop wasting your fucking time, you knob. I've been dealing with your lovestruck, heart-eyes crap for so fucking long,  _ god _ ."

"Shut your piehole, Sammy. You're not one to talk, you haven't gotten laid in a while."

Sam laughed, wiggling his eyebrows, "I bet Cas is great and bossy in bed."

"OH MY GOD, shut  _ up  _ before I shave off that bird's nest of yours." Dean splashed Sam with some water. Sam yelped and scowled at him. They cleaned up and went off to their rooms to wrap up the night with a good nights rest.

Dean knocked on Castiel's door lightly. When there was no answer, Dean slowly opened the door and peaked ahead inside. Cas was squinting at him, with cute ruffled bed hair. 

"Is everything okay?" Cas asked.

"Are you wearing my AC/DC shirt?" Dean asked, noticing the familiar pattern.

"Dean, it's almost 2 am. Why are you up? Is everything okay? Are you having nightmares?" Cas asked, completely avoiding the question.

"Oh, no nightmares. I just- I was wondering if I could stay with you tonight."

Cas watched him for a second but then approved. Dean felt nervous. They never really did stuff like this. Dean liked his privacy and Cas never pressed. But every now and again, he just felt  _ lonely _ , especially after the past few months. Dean closed the door smoothly and kicked off his shoes before climbing onto the covers.

"I don't bite Dean, come closer," Cas mumbled, half asleep.

"I thought angels didn't sleep? And again, why are you wearing my shirt?" Dean asked, kicking the covers over his feet getting comfortable.

"I like sleeping. It's the perfect state of not being alive but also not being dead. And your shirt is comfortable. I can't sleep in that suit and coat, Dean," Cas grumbled, automatically snuggling closer to Dean.

Dean wrapped an arm around Cas, "You're so weird, Cas. But for what it's worth, you can keep that shirt. You rock it." 

Castiel muttered, digging his fingers into Dean's shirt, "Dean, would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow?"

_ Damnit, he beat me to it,  _ Dean thought. 

Dean looked at Cas who had his eyes closed, "Sure." Dean saw Cas's lips curve upward into a smile. They cuddled closer together. Dean knew this should feel weird because they weren't like  _ that. _ But it didn't. It didn't feel weird, awkward nor uncomfortable. That was the thing with Cas. It felt normal. And most importantly, it felt safe. Dean felt safe enough to try things, to be open, and to trust that Cas would never force him into anything.

"At least I know you won't try to magically hex me or transform me into a frog," Dean replied meekly.

"Hmmm… Sam should be careful."

"Where do you wanna go?"

"Anywhere with you." Dean could not believe how cheesy that reply was but he lowkey loved it at the same time.

"How about that pizza place down the road? The new one?" 

Cas's eyes snapped open at that.

"There's a new pizza place?" Cas asked.

Dean smirked, "So, that's how it's gonna be, huh? You're picking pizza over me?"

Cas rolled his eyes, and gently kissed Dean's cheek, "Does that answer your question?"

"Go to sleep, sweetheart."

"Goodnight, Dean," Cas muttered, his grip loosening. Dean hooked his legs around Cas.

"Yeah, goodnight, Cas. Now that I've got you, I'm never letting you go," Dean muttered. Cas grumbled something inaudible, but he squeezed his grip on Dean a little tighter and knew that Cas felt the exam same way. 

** THE END.  **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope y'all enjoyed this little fic, I enjoyed writing it so much!   
> Remember to stay inside and wash your god damn hands people.   
> All the love,  
> -nethmi


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